A Joyous Perspective on being aware of your end: There's nothing 'wrong' with wanting to 'right' your story.

 

The photo at the left is nearly 10 years old. 

It is a moment I somewhat recall, but my granddaughter, Violet Joy, will undoubtedly forget. In the recent past, I had the occasion to be asked to write my father's obituary, and as I did this, I realized that the best ones I had read were more like a person's story than just a listing of their facts. Interestingly, as I sat at a table with some acquaintances and one person was reading it, a person next to her sniffed toward me, "It's kinda long for an obit, isn't it?" The length and breadth of the story of an 84-year-old person's life hit a nerve with her. Perhaps she wondered silently if anyone would have that much to say about her at the time of her passing. Truthfully, do others have enough insight into who we are to write enough about us to fill a few columns in the paper? Or alternatively, what would we still like to see added to our stories? 

Are there still some wrongs we'd like to make right?

The person at the table, or you as you read this, might think it too late to add much more or change much of your story. You might think it will take a lot of creative writing to make your story sound as attractive as you'd like. However, getting older means you still have

needs for personal fulfillment. You still have hopes and dreams in the recesses of your thoughts, you still notice a good-looking person, and you still crave as much happiness as you can. If we are truthful, our psyche isn't particularly affected by the aging process. You might slow down, forget some things, and gain wisdom, but you are essentially sixteen. Just come to my water aerobics class and watch the 60+ year-olds rocking out to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. The need to fulfill your desires is more accurate than anything the mirror might show you.

At heart, you are immortal, and your story never ends.

Research tells us that our most basic psychological needs operate the same at seven or seventy. You experience your life as though you had all the time in the world. So, telling yourself you are too old, it is too late, or anything similarly self-limiting is not good for you psychologically. It creates bitterness, and that sourness shows in the downturn of your mouth and the resentment in your voice. You can argue all you want that shutting down growth as you age is simply facing facts, but that kind of thinking is poison to your soul.

So what in the world does this mean? My inside can control my outside?

In my work as a Psychotherapist, I see people attempting to right the many wrongs of their lives. I, too, have lived that path, so I have a lot of understanding of what this takes. What it comes down to is being too aware of the 1% vs. the 99%. Many philosophies refer to the material world we see around us as being the 1 percent world. It is the material, physical world that you know so well. When you think of writing your obituary, it's when you were born, where you were born, where you went to school, and who you married. That was the world of the person at the table who had trouble with the length of the obituary I wrote for my father and who, no doubt, would have difficulty with the length of mine.

The 99 percent world is a different story.

This is the unseen realm of knowledge, joy, and inspiration. When you connect to that world, you have the happiest times of your life. These are the times that will end of defining you and what will be the stuff your story is made of. The fortunate among us, those who decide to reason with the 16-year-old and see that there will eventually be an end, keep an open channel to this storehouse of energy. Those more successful at this become the composers, the inventors, the awe-inspiring.

I am beginning to see that psychological health in later years depends strongly upon
maintaining our connection with the 99 percent world. This world is the source of hope and optimism and a fair amount of our physical health as well. It knows where the mirror lies. It insists that there will be an end, but there are parts of us that can go on forever. That something we learn at the age of 90 is just as important as what we learned at 19. A talent developed at 60 is worth spending time on, and a love found at 70 is as precious a thing as it ever was. The research supports that people who have these beliefs tend to live happier lives with fewer psychological symptoms. 

Apparently, believing that there is always time to right a wrong or add a missing piece agrees with us...

When you cut yourself off from the 99 percent world because you think you're too old and it's too late, or too long, you're too poor, or just too anything - you feel psychologically and spiritually impoverished. But once you reconnect with the 99 percent world, that inner sense of self just beneath the surface, life is a feast again. 

The rest of your life can be viewed as a tour of exploration, not a prison term, once you start living like you want your story to be told.

A Joyous Perspective on Emotional Upset: When it's time to give it a R.E.S.T

 

In my psychotherapy practice, I must hear it at least once a day: I let my emotions get the best of me - again.

But it's not really such a surprise. We are all experts in fight or flight, and our brains are hair-triggered to set off these well-practiced reactions. When that jolt of fear or surge of anger hits us, it can be difficult to calm ourselves down, much less consider what is happening or how we must proceed. It can feel like a lifetime when it takes place and even end in a standoff of nothingness if we find ourselves fleeing or freezing. But according to the Neuroscientists, these gripping emotions actually run their course in a matter of seconds - 90 seconds to be exact. That's right. One minute and thirty seconds to hit our gut and leave our ears or mouth.

But that's not the way most of us experience anxiety or anger, is it?

You find yourself in offices like mine because, instead, the anxiety lasts all night, and anger seems to go on for days and then transform into a dark, depressed state. But if intense emotion can flood the body and be flushed out again in under two minutes, why do our emotional upsets seem to last so long and create such havoc? And, what coping skills can we attempt to develop that might ease the habit of making these episodes into short stories versus feature films?

Let's start with why we stay in anger and fear...

When you get hit with an emotional reaction, notice how you suddenly find more reasons to keep being angry, afraid, sad, or whatever. We keep looking for validation for our feelings, and we'll dig and dig to keep the fire building. By fixating on the distress, we can keep our painful feelings past their expiration date. This is how we maintain an angry mood and magnify our fears past all reason. These intense neurochemical activities inside our bodies tell us to take this very seriously. We get into a habit of not questioning whether our emotions are giving us the straight scoop on what is happening. All we know is that we are threatened and must do something to prevent being devastated or overwhelmed by whatever we perceive is happening. It's the very definition of a 'knee-jerk reaction.' We get hit, and we hit back.

We amplify our feelings by telling ourselves an upsetting story about our emotional reactions. As we tell the story to ourselves about why we feel the way we do, we become even more deeply involved in it, much like waiting for an engrossing movie. Now, our original emotion is supported by a cast of thousands. And this all happens in a matter of seconds. We are incredible beings, are we?

You may not have a choice about your initial feelings, but you can choose what you decide to do with them...

You can do all sorts of things to feel better, like examining the validity of your feelings, seeking advice or emotional support, considering solutions, or simply calming yourself down. But none of these happen in less than 90 seconds, so if you are not armed with some knowledge and tools, they will take root and take off. Fear or surprise can become a panic episode in 90 seconds. Anger can become rage in 90 seconds. Sadness can become a meltdown in 90 seconds. So what can you do? 

When you feel the upset taking place, and the stopwatch starts, it's time to remember to 

R.E.S.T...

No, keep reading, I haven't lost my mind. This acronym is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy concept created to help people manage difficult emotional experiences and come out feeling in control on the other side. It begins with a pretty simple yet essential step, and that is to 

RELAX. Slow your roll, Freeze frame. Pause. Step away from the situation, if not literally, then figuratively in your mind. Don't do the impulsive thing. Remind yourself that you have the opportunity to do something different this time. Breathe, even count your breaths slowly. Once you feel somewhat calmer, you can go on to the next step, which is to

EVALUATE. Look around and determine what is actually happening. What are the facts? You don't have to know everything; you don't have to solve the problem; you just get a better sense of what is happening. Discern what other people are really doing. Notice how you feel, what is happening, and is anyone in danger? Once you have the facts and the unadulterated by heightened emotion truth, you can go to the next step and

SET AN INTENTION. When we've been threatened or confronted with an emotion, we want to do something, hence freeze, flight, or fight. But once you are calmer, you can choose an intention, which is a target, goal, or plan about what you will do. Ask yourself what your best hope would be to come out of this situation? It doesn't have to be the final solution, but hopefully, it will be something to help you cope and move forward in the situation. So that finally, you can

TAKE ACTION. Put your plan into gear. Stay present. This is a dangerous time when you might get all caught up in adrenaline and lose awareness. That could mean you leave injured in your path. The key is that you've now used this 90-second bombshell to open a pathway to something. It doesn't have to be the final something, but it is a move away from the crater.

The best shortcut to remaining calm is to try and let go of strong feelings about what just
happened...

There doesn't always have to be justice in the final solution. We can find a way to experience problems, deal with them, and go on if we decide not to fuel the thought that this should not have happened to you. 

If you practice R.E.S.T regularly, you'll start to feel stronger about yourself and your ability to face life's traumas. 

Even if you are an emotional soul, you can improve and shorten the time you stay in upheaval. 

Remember, you can decide if you want this unpleasant incident to be a short story or a feature film. 

A Joyous Perspective on The Day Before: What we can learn from 9-11

 

Like most people over 25, you can remember where you were on 9.11.2001.

It was a day that changed how we live in many parts of our lives forever. As we approach the 22nd anniversary of that day, my memories first go to just how much things have changed. And then, to how many things have stayed the same. Some of them both surprise and sadden me.

I might be one of the only people you know who was at Chicago O'Hare on September 10, 2001.

Yes, youngsters, we could pull up to the sidewalk outside arrivals, leave our car, and go straight into the airport. You looked at the arrivals screen, found the gate, and walked up to it to wait for your expected person to arrive. For me, my son Jeremy was flying back from California for a few days before starting college. There were very few armed police. I don't even remember where Security was, which we used to call what is now "TSA." The place was packed with people. People with flowers and balloons welcoming their loved ones. People with signs indicating who they were picking up. We picked up Jeremy's suitcase and walked back out to the car. If you forgot something at the gate or needed to return, you just did that. There wasn't a point of no return.

After flights were finally allowed to take place two weeks later, we returned to O'Hare. It was a shell of the place it had previously been. Kind of a ghost town, really. We were directed to where we could park. There were concrete barricades, National Guard, and Police everywhere, inspecting every person, and you entered Security immediately after checking in. No long goodbyes or time for conversation. I watched with tear-filled eyes as Jeremy went through Security, turned, and waved goodbye. I spent the next 7 hours with a nervous stomach until he called to say he had landed. Air travel had become something of an activity like getting on a bus. Not anymore. It had changed forever.

As a country, we became more tightly woven together during the first few
years after 9/11.

We knew we had become a target of some other humans who had decided to hate us for many reasons. We loved who we were, and we had decided we would not be the ones to give up whatever it was they hated. And so we fought them, and we sent our very best young people to fight and even die for those things the humans we called terrorists hated. But they fought back, and no matter how much blood was spilled, they continued to fight. We grew weary and then started to turn on each other. Perhaps we were beginning to believe that this great tragedy had grown within the seeds of our own prosperity. The chasm grew greater as new causes and categories of people were formed. Like those 19 young men who followed blindly, convinced they were bringing truth and justice to the world, we began to band together and believe that the enemy was all around us. We took our rights versus working toward them.

The day before 9/11/01, there wasn't anything called 'Social Media'...

If you wished to state an opinion, you wrote the newspaper or called your local radio station. No one could respond, and unless they kept the clipping, the evidence of your thoughts would soon be forgotten. Today, we can diatribe or repost words that we find enticing and titillating, then wait to see who will respond. Sometimes, we get into miniature wars with those who disagree. Like those who flew those planes into buildings 22 years ago, we allow relationships to die rather than find understanding. These terrorists divided their families based on religion, and this confounded us. How are they that different from those of us who divide a family or relationship based on who we voted for or what we believe? These people who we put on a watchlist.

How different is that from putting people on a list who support a particular political cause that we disagree with?

Did 9/11 teach us anything? I'm beginning to fear it did not.

However, I am determined to use my voice to try. Because if my son's life and his determination to maintain our lifestyle against those who thought it evil meant anything, I hope it meant that we are all still on the same side. Yes, we will disagree. Yes, we will vote for different candidates. We don't have to tolerate anxiety; we can believe in seeking acceptance toward peace. You don't have to look like me to be my neighbor. You don't have to vote like me to be my friend.

Yes, we will not like what our leaders decide to do. But I hope we will not call those who differ from us in these ways 'terrorists.' Instead, we will call them our citizens. Let us not allow those who broadcast to us to form our opinions or call us to arms for their personal power. That's what Osama Bin Laden and his like were successful in doing. Instead, if 9/11 can teach us anything, then we will utilize discourse and thought to help us form an understanding.

Maybe even a 'more perfect union'.

So, my friends, on this day, as I look back over the 22 years since the day before 9/11, I urge you to consider any and all ways you have chosen division over understanding. Those who disagree with you are not your enemy or your terrorist. Unlike those lost souls who followed a foolish belief into oblivion, you could look into the eyes of those you don't understand and find some answers and more common ground.

A Joyous Perspective on a Game: What Football can teach you.

 

There's something about being a fan of a game, even when there's nothing significant on the line...

I came to learn this early in life, growing up in a small farm town and hearing stories about my Uncles playing for the local High School teams. They played multiple sports, but the memories that stuck with me most were the Friday nights under the lights at Mineral King Bowl, watching the teams roll onto the field while the fans roared. I learned my Uncle's jersey numbers early and always looked for them to be doing something. I quickly caught on that a great deal of struggle was going on for a few yards to be earned at a time. Inch by inch toward an elusive line. I became intrigued and connected to the process, and as I grew, I soon found out about the Professionals who played the game on Sundays. Now, there was some real excitement. Bone-crushing injuries followed by screaming and jumping up and down in the living room. 

Watching the process was as fascinating and essential to me as how many points were scored...

That slow gain of territory was the drama of watching highly motivated people fight for the right to go where they wanted to go - their opponent's end zone. And when I knew these people personally, it took on an even deeper meaning. I watched their own personal victory, followed by the dance of joy with their team. 

Football is much more than just another game. There's much that can be learned from the process. As we begin another season of the game at many levels in our country, here are a few insights I've gathered from my time as a fan that I want to share with you. 

Many things in life require a lengthy process without immediate payoff...

Writing, art, raising children, fitness, and business, to name a few, are places where it matters greatly what you do on the front end long before you reach the final payoff or finished product. It's crucial to keep trying, even if your progress is glacially slow. There's happiness in meaningful struggles, even when the going gets rough.

Football's slow, brutal work is meaningful because it is about attaining challenging goals by giving it your all. The game abounds in persistence, strategy, tactics, and resilience. Football is all about bouncing back. Football players can also show you how to look confident when you are not, and they never give up prematurely, regardless of the writing on the wall. The ritual of positioning for the last down with seconds on the clock demonstrates how to keep your intent, even in the face of defeat. This resolve keeps your purpose clear and your morale up, whether inside or outside a stadium.

Football shows you how to keep going when you're getting roughed up by other people who want their goals as much as you do...

It tells you that your desires are just as important as anyone else's and, therefore, worth fighting for. Like all sports, football affirms that you are entitled to go after what you want. More importantly, football reminds you not to become a victim when you start losing or if other people are mean to you.

Football shows you that winning is tricky because many other people are also trying to win...

You must be willing to fight for your yardage because other people will only sometimes step in to help you. And whenever you feel like you're failing, football is clear about what to do next: set up your next play and keep pursuing your goal.

Football teaches you to develop different aspects of yourself...

Sometimes in life, you are like the star quarterback throwing an eighty-yard pass in the game's last minutes or the running back in full stride catching a ball looking backward. But you must also train parts of yourself to be like burly linebackers, halting opponents' momentum or adverse circumstances. 

As a player in the game of life, you may experience shame when you drop, fumble, or miss a pass, but the game will go on regardless. 

Nobody does it perfectly all the time. 

Remember that you're killing it in sports when you are doing well most of the time.

So, if you find yourself stuck at or enjoying a football game this weekend, look for some of these lessons on how to conduct yourself when it feels like life is blocking your progress. Watch and appreciate the tedious but necessary positioning, the strategies that don't pay off, and the determination to keep pushing forward. More than that, let the best players show you how to manage yourself when life tackles you, even if a flag is thrown.

What's the biggest lesson?

When you only get four chances to go ten yards, make them count. 

A Joyous Perspective on Self-Esteem: Here's to why you're here...

When someone mentions having low self-esteem, I think of that old cartoon with the man in the doctor's office complaining of a headache as he sits there with an arrow stuck through his head.

The joke is that the headache is the least of his worries, which is the same story with low self-esteem. People with poor self-esteem have a deeper problem than they think. Their deeper problem is that, somewhere along the way, someone has made them feel uncertain about whether they deserve to be here at all.

We are surrounded by people questioning whether they deserve to be here in the first place...

You may have heard it called 'Imposter Syndrome,' but I call it a sense of never feeling like they belong anywhere. They may think their roles are worthwhile and that someone should do them, but probably not them.

Yet all children come into this world with unquestioning self-acceptance of their needs, which we know is the root of all self-esteem.

A person with secure self-esteem knows the reality of his or her inner needs and knows those needs are worthy of fulfillment. Doubting the legitimacy of these needs undermines the very foundations of one's self-worth. When people come into my office with low self-esteem, wondering, "What's the matter with me?" I find myself thinking instead, "What happened to you?" I know these people did not enter the world feeling flawed or doubting their right to be here until they encountered the bow and arrow of another person's rejection, criticism, or judgment.

Ask yourself just who it was in your life that enjoyed archery so much?

Some of us had caregivers who often carried quivers filled with debasing comments to shoot at us. Low self-esteem is like going through life with a head full of arrows. You cannot think without encountering those interned, sharp, piercing arrowheads. 

Injuries to self-esteem come from feeling that your uniqueness was rejected.

People with low self-esteem carry this story in their body language; they constantly try to make themselves appear absent. Yet the longing for life and belonging is so intense that even arrow-shy people may one day question their low opinion of themselves. They wake up to their existential right to be here and express what they need, finally overcoming their questions about why they are even here.

It is up to each and every one of us to sit ourselves down and accept that because we are here, we are supposed to be here.

Once you have settled that question and figured out who the archers were in your life, it is no longer just about improving your self-esteem. 

It expands to self-compassion, self-expression, and the right to self-care.

Self-esteem means you have decided you have the right to be here. 

And on top of that... To enjoy it too. 

A Joyous Perspective on Living in the Realm of the Required: Sometimes, all that matters is getting it done.

 

Winston Churchill once said, " Sometimes it is not enough to do your best. Sometimes, you must do what is required."

This was a man who knew a thing or two about surviving adversity under extraordinary conditions. When fighting for survival or other high stakes, it hardly matters what you think you can do or how well you think you can do it. All that matters is what must be done.

We all have ideas about what we can accomplish and how much we can stand. Most of us feel capable of only so much effort, and we assume that if we try hard and do our very best, we have done all we can.

It could be more accurate to say that we have done everything we can do...

Or that we are comfortable doing.

Or that could be expected of us. But we have not done all that we can do.

Often in life's most difficult situations, you don't get to hold on to your opinion about what you can do. Before you know it, you are in over your head, and things are happening so fast that you no longer have time to quibble about reasonable effort and what might be necessary for survival. You just start doing. You have been swept from the gentle land of sincere effort into the gritty realm of the required.

Those who have faced some trauma are endowed with a survival gear overdrive mode when faced with a severe threat.

We don't walk around thinking about this gear. We just toddle along, believing we are a little four-cylinder unit only equipped for general usage. But human history contradicts this belief. History tells us humankind is the biggest, badass, all-wheel drive vehicle. When life gets rough, humans shift down and pull whatever power is needed to gain traction.

We hear about superhuman feats, like pulling a car off of someone.

But most of the strengths require things outside of the Marvel Universe. Behaviors such as protracted patience or biting your tongue until you taste blood. These frustrations and deprivations are feats of endurance that go beyond what you thought you could tolerate. But growth and enhanced self-respect are the payoffs for those who successfully deal with these situations.

And then, sometimes, when we find ourselves unexpectedly challenged, we might slip into resentment and anxiety. What is this? I didn't sign up for this role. It could help to take a step back and consider that you are possibly the one who has exactly what it takes. You are "that one" with the most sensible ideas or emotional stamina to do what needs to be done. So when things get bad enough, or your loved ones are at risk, you suddenly have much in common with Churchill. You pull it together, and instead of worrying whether your best will be good enough, you just start doing what is required. 

You may realize how under-challenged you've been in your previous roles.

But we only sometimes do that willingly. You may believe you don't have exceptional mental or physical strength simply because not much of it is required for ordinary life. No one likes to go beyond what we think should be asked of us. We instinctively resist anything perceived as an unfair burden or the sole responsibility for fixing a problem. Most people have to get over this hum of resentment before they start to function effectively in the realm of the required. However, once the bitterness calms down, you face the simplicity of just doing what needs to be done next. 

And when you respond to that calling, there is a sense of something that feels like fear but just might be exhilaration.

You can function at the level where your best is good enough. But sometimes, in a flash, you are ushered into Churchill's realm of the required. When life demands a response, it doesn't ask which one you feel comfortable making - it demands it. It requires supreme effort for the situation and nothing less. Sir Winston would tell you that humans are designed to do that. 

You will remember your strength when circumstances require you to use it.

A Joyous Perspective on Gathering Wisdom: From the non-living things of life.

 

We can get unexpected life coaching from any source...

This helpful fact has struck me significantly during the past week, and I found myself putting together a few life lessons I've gathered from nonliving resources. Here are a few I found the most interesting. 

 We recently purchased a different vehicle with a hands-free option for using your cell phone. Unlike our other car, which automatically connected, this one asks me when I get or make a call, "Do you wish to connect? Yes or No?" Instead of appreciating my sporty little truck's thoughtfulness in confirming my intentions, I find it somewhat irritating.

Lesson One: Irritation shows me that I need to take the time to listen.

Funny how people think I must be a great listener. After All, listening is what I am supposed to be doing for a living. But more often than not, listening is something I have to focus on and assess myself many times during my day. One way I've learned to assess myself is through the discovery of irritation. And I have discovered that when I get irritated, I am probably rushing in a way I will regret. Irritation over little things usually means I'm expecting the rest of the world to read my mind and not delay me. If the one second it took to touch the save button felt like a nuisance, I was probably not very peaceful and attentive inside. Immediately I realized the message from my truck was not about whether to switch to hands-free at all; it was a signal to check my frame of mind. If that yes/no button was getting to me, I might need to slow down and check myself.

My vehicle's blind spot indicator also reminds me of another powerful life lesson:

Claim only part of the road as your own. Seeing where other people are and honoring their position leads to respect and good communication. But veering into the other driver's lane without even looking is like insisting on being right: The injury you cause might be your own. Every time we're tempted to take over, we could instead wonder what might be there that we can't see. It's good for our safety to consider other people. 

My vehicle is much less impulsive than I am.

It has successfully taught me to set my intentions before moving forward because it will only start if I first put my foot on the brake. This took me a while to learn because I didn't associate starting to drive with pressing the brake pedal. Of course, the first thing I learned to drive was a tractor. But now I see how mindful this step is. I'm off to a better start if I take a moment to be here now before going someplace else. 

To pause before going forward is the best way to proceed.

Like my vehicle, my computer is a wise coach too...

It reminds me that because gigabytes of RAM are available, it doesn't assume everything should be held in memory. My computer reminds me I have options every time I close out a document; it always asks me if I want to save, cancel, or don't save. Do I really want to remove or delete it? I should save everything, but do I really? Everything may not belong in memory.

Having Memory capacity means only some things need to be saved.

Case in point: Grudges exemplify how putting things in permanent memory can be counterproductive. Resentment and self-criticism are things that don't deserve the save button. You may be tempted to create a file over every wrong committed by others or yourself, but if you've learned your lesson, what's the point? Do you really want to use up storage on those negative thoughts? Turning your thoughts away from blaming and bitterness is crucial in self-mastery. Besides, resolving the issue directly makes more sense than holding a grudge. 

Next time you're tempted toward resentment, a button should appear with choices of resent, transcend, or take constructive action.

Finally: Your computer coach also reminds you to refrain from disconnecting without quitting first.

Computers scold us if we shut things down abruptly. A little window immediately drops down to remind us there are proper steps to take before quitting anything. Computers dislike unfinished business and want you to tidy up before exiting. They know that anything involving separating or shutting down should engage in an intentional process. Don't just dump it, or you might regret it. Even computers realize that burning bridges is never a good idea. As much as you're able, finish up your interactions on friendly terms, and you won't have to worry about losing something important.

While computers and smartphones have many fail-safes and warnings, there is still one that needs to be invented: We need a pop-up before we send any email or text that says 

"This message could be easily misunderstood. Should you call them instead?"

That would be a beneficial bit of technology. But until then, we should make it a habit to ask ourselves.

Remember, Wisdom is invaluable wherever is comes from.